Each child creates distinctive relationships with family, friends, and even strangers they will encounter in their lives. Similarly, every newborn holds the potential for greatness, capable of positively shaping our world in remarkable ways. As a new generation is born, it ensures the continuation of our species, benefiting all of humanity. The unique contributions of parents and children alike create the delightful and diverse world we inhabit today. However, not everyone can carry a pregnancy on their own, sometimes requiring a helping hand. Thanks to recent advancements in medical technology, surrogacy has become a viable option. Despite these scientific breakthroughs, the legal system and public understanding of this evolving field are trailing behind, leading to widespread misinformation and misunderstandings surrounding surrogacy. This article aims to debunk some of these myths and clarify misconceptions about the practice, shedding light on its significance and impact.
Myth
The surrogate will keep my baby.
Reality
Surrogates have children of their own; if they wanted another child, they would create a genetic child themselves. There is no desire on behalf of a surrogate to raise someone else’s child.
It is important to choose the location where your surrogate resides, where the legal contracts are signed, and where the birth will ultimately occur. Picking a location where there are strong laws regarding surrogacy usually stipulates that the intended parent is the parent of the child, and the surrogate has no legal claim to the child she carries for you.
Myth
Surrogates do this for the money.
Reality
An important element of the psychological screening process of a surrogate is that the mental health professional will ask why she wants to be a surrogate. Every surrogate has their own unique reason for wanting to help create a family for someone else. It could be a sister helping a sister or a friend helping a friend. A surrogate may have a relative that suffered from infertility, and she witnesses the pain of that journey and wants to help. A surrogate may have a gay brother and wants to help a gay couple become a family. A surrogate may enjoy being pregnant but not wish for the responsibility of another child. She may feel that her family is complete, but she would love to carry another pregnancy for someone else. It may even be as simple as a surrogate reading an article about a celebrity surrogacy journey and feeling that she, too, could participate and make a difference.
When someone gives a family member money as a gift, helps them buy a home or car, or startup money to open a business, they are congratulated for being kind and supportive. Buying expensive Holiday gifts or birthday gifts or throwing a friend a surprise party is acceptable and encouraged behavior. But when a family member or stranger steps forward to help an infertile person become a parent, a gift or reimbursement is unacceptable. A grandparent paying for a grandchild’s college or buying a grandchild a car is smiled at, but getting compensation for making that person a grandparent is supposed to be wrong.
The real question should not be, “Is she doing this for the money” but rather, “What does she plan to do with the money?” Most surrogates already have plans for any money they receive as reimbursement for their journey. Typically, those plans include buying a family car, opening a college savings account for her children, paying down her mortgage, using the money as a down payment on a home, or going back to college herself to complete her degree. Many surrogates subsequently went to college to become nurses or get teaching credentials. Once you understand their desire to help someone become a family and combine that with fulfilling their dream, the issue of criticizing the payments sounds petty and unkind.
Myth
Surrogates are low-income women.
Reality
Does being low-income mean that these women cannot have the desire to help another person realize their dream of becoming a parent? Perhaps the issue is not whether a woman is low-income or not but whether she is being coerced into carrying a pregnancy. This is a significant issue that can be addressed through proper psychological screening and independent legal counsel for the surrogate. Having her own attorney ensures she is adequately protected throughout the process.
In reality, many surrogates are middle-class working women with families, homes, and at least one car in their possession. It is essential to recognize that the decision to become a surrogate is not solely dependent on income but driven by a desire to help others. If you ever suspect that your surrogate is facing coercion at any point, have an open and honest conversation with her and consult with your mental health professional. If you are working with an agency, do not hesitate to request a different surrogate match if needed. The well-being and genuine consent of the surrogate are paramount in the surrogacy journey.
Myth
Surrogacy takes advantage of women.
Reality
The Supreme Court of California answered this question in the most succinct way: “The argument that a woman cannot knowingly and intelligently agree to gestate and deliver a baby for intending parents carries overtones of the reasoning that for centuries prevented women from attaining equal economic rights and professional status under the law. To resurrect this view is both to foreclose a personal and economic choice on the part of the surrogate mother and to deny intending parents what may be their only means of procreating a child of their own genes.” Johnson v. Calvert (1993) Supreme Court of California.
Myth
How do I know my surrogate will not take drugs or smoke during this pregnancy?
Reality
Surrogates are typically deeply committed to the pregnancy and the well-being of the child they are carrying. Their goal is to deliver a healthy, full-term baby, as they strongly believe in their ability to carry a pregnancy successfully. The thought of a pre-term or unhealthy baby causes great distress to surrogates, as they feel responsible for their intended parents’ dreams.
You can gain trust and confidence in her through meticulous screening and building a strong relationship with your surrogate before pregnancy. The key question to ask yourself is, “Can I sleep at night without worry, knowing that my baby is safe with my surrogate?” If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then congratulations, you have made a wise choice. However, if any doubts linger, it is important to halt the process and reassess the match until you feel completely at ease with your decision.
Myth
Will I bond with my baby?
Reality
Absolutely, without a doubt! This is the child you’ve dreamed of and meticulously planned for. Your actions and decisions have led to the combination of these genes, creating this unique and precious embryo. You are the sole reason for this baby’s existence, making you their true parent!
Surrogacy allows intended parents to actively participate in the pregnancy, fostering bonding. You’ll be closely involved, receiving regular updates and preparing your life for when your child comes home. All these actions contribute to the profound bond that forms during the journey. When you finally cradle your baby in your arms for the first time, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and amazed, but as you begin fulfilling their every need, the natural bond and protective instincts will quickly become apparent!
Myth
Surrogacy is illegal in my state or country. Surely, I cannot still have a baby via surrogacy?
Reality
You can! However, your child must have a passport to travel from the birth country back to your country. Depending on where your child is born will determine what passport they will be entitled to at birth. Some countries will provide a passport to any child born within their country. In these countries, participating in surrogacy is usually seamless, as your child can travel home after birth on the passport issued by that country.
Some countries will issue passports dependent on the citizenship of the parent. If the country where your child is born does not extend citizenship to your child, you must ensure that your home country will issue a passport to your child in the other country. Each country has its rules regarding extending citizenship to children born outside their borders. It is extremely important that you consult with an attorney in your home country before choosing the country to pursue surrogacy in, as you will need to comply with all the requirements of your home country before a passport is issued to your child. As an example: some countries require a genetic link between the parent and the child, and in such cases, the use of a sperm donor, egg donor, or donated embryos may result in a passport being denied to that child.
Myth
Is surrogacy only for wealthy people or celebrities?
Reality
Anyone can become a parent through surrogacy, but surrogacy can be expensive. Surrogacy is expensive in some countries but more affordable in others. Often, surrogacy is the least expensive if you can find your surrogate, such as a family member, or friend, or through an online forum.
Myth
Is it risky to participate in surrogacy if it is not done in the United States, Canada, England, or Australia?
Reality
Absolutely not! Surrogacy in the United States (at least in 44 of the 50 states), Canada, England, and Australia is safe, and these countries have a long history of surrogacy within their borders. However, there are currently 37 countries that permit surrogacy within their borders (See our Article entitled: What is the Best Country for Surrogacy?) Other countries such as Georgia, Kazakhstan, and Mexico have thriving surrogacy practices because they have legislation regulating the field. Although many countries have limitations regarding who can participate in surrogacy and if any payments are permitted. If you do your homework, you will discover that there are many options regarding which country is safe to participate in surrogacy.
Myth
Surrogacy is unnecessary when intended parents can simply adopt a child.
Reality
While adoption is indeed an option for those facing infertility, would it be appropriate to question why some parents, even without fertility issues, choose to carry a pregnancy of their own instead of adopting? The responsibility to find loving homes for children in the adoption system lies with everyone, not solely those dealing with infertility. Consider a woman who survived cancer and preserved her eggs or embryos before treatment—should she be urged to abandon these options and adopt instead? It is not wrong for parents to desire a biological connection with their child, whether through surrogacy or other means.
Many families, including those with biological children or children born via surrogacy, also choose to adopt a child. How individuals create their families is a deeply personal and private decision, and it should be respected without judgment.
Myth
A surrogacy pregnancy is a high-risk emotional and physical experience.
Reality
Experiencing pregnancy or having a baby can be an emotionally and physically intense journey, whether through surrogacy or conventional means. Thus, the answer to whether surrogacy is a high-risk emotional and physical experience is both yes and no, as it varies depending on individual circumstances. Many surrogates willingly return for a second surrogacy journey, either with the same or different intended parents, indicating their satisfaction with their first experience. However, it’s essential to recognize that not every surrogacy journey may be seen as successful from the surrogate’s perspective.
Like any pregnancy, there are inherent physical risks involved. Surrogates may face challenges such as late-term miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy complications that could affect their ability to carry future pregnancies. While it is rare, childbirth or complications after birth have resulted in unfortunate outcomes, including death, for some surrogates. The relationship between the intended parent and surrogate cannot be predicted completely. However, with professional guidance and support, it should be fostered in a manner that respects the rights and well-being of all parties involved.
Myth
Surrogacy is often seen as the last resort for an infertile couple, but at least they are guaranteed a child at the end of the journey.
Reality
Surrogacy, despite our fervent wishes, does not guarantee a baby. Even with a surrogate who has had uncomplicated pregnancies in the past and the highest quality embryo is transferred, there is no assured outcome of pregnancy or live birth. In vitro fertilization is not an exact science; previous successful pregnancies don’t ensure the same result in subsequent attempts. While it is generally assumed that better embryo quality increases the chances of success, we have witnessed instances where poor-quality embryos have resulted in live births.
Surrogacy is not always the final option for infertile couples. For heterosexual couples who have experienced at least four failed in vitro fertilization cycles and possibly a miscarriage, turning to surrogacy becomes a logical recommendation. However, if the chosen surrogate does not achieve pregnancy within a few cycles and a second surrogate also fails to conceive, it may be time to consider genetic factors. Exploring alternatives like using a sperm or egg donor (or both) allows the intended mother to attempt carrying a pregnancy herself, temporarily putting the surrogacy journey on hold. If these attempts are not successful, the couple can still turn back to surrogacy as a viable option.
Myth
It is difficult for a surrogate to return the baby to the intended parent.
Reality
While this statement holds some truth, it is essential to understand the complete perspective. At the time of birth, a surrogate undergoes an emotional and hormonal experience as her body prepares for the next phase after delivery, including milk production. These feelings, however, do not indicate a desire to keep the baby; rather, they showcase her emotional connection and care for you and your baby.
Witnessing the intended parent holding their long-awaited baby for the first time brings immense joy to the surrogate. Throughout the nine months, she envisions this very moment when her contribution enables them to become a parent. It is important for the Intended Parents to share their happiness and tears of joy with their surrogate. By involving the surrogate in these joyous moments of becoming a parent, the intended parents create lasting memories for her, even as her body experiences fluctuations in hormones. The happiness experienced by the intended parents becomes an anchor, reminding her of the reasons she embarked on this surrogacy journey in the first place.
Myth
Working with a surrogate who is a stranger to you is better than a relative or friend.
Reality
Surrogacy relationships can vary in complexity, ranging from wonderful and uncomplicated to more intricate scenarios. Working with a stranger and involving a family member or friend offers unique benefits. Many intended parents initially contemplate asking their close ones to assist them in starting a family. In some cases, individuals facing infertility may even receive offers of help from family and friends.
If you find yourself in such a situation, it is essential to start with a fundamental question: Do you genuinely like that person? While you may love your sister or cousin, it is important to consider whether you also genuinely like them. Engaging in a surrogacy journey with someone you don’t like is not advisable.
Once you have determined the compatibility, the next step is to ensure that surrogacy is legally permissible in the area where your proposed surrogate resides or plans to deliver the child. Following this, conducting a psychological consultation and medical screening becomes the next important phase. These steps are vital to ensure a smooth and successful surrogacy process.
Myth
It is cheaper to do surrogacy privately than to hire an agency.
Reality
Yes, this is most likely a correct statement. The first step is to find a surrogate willing to help you. Most agencies report screening at least 10-20 applicants before finding the one application that will pass the screening process. Therefore, the likelihood that the first surrogate you meet privately will make it through the screening process is highly unlikely. If you already have a surrogate willing to assist you, then it is possible that you will save money by working with an agency.
Myth
I cannot breastfeed my baby if I do not give birth myself.
Reality
This needs to be corrected. Lactation can be induced in women who have not experienced childbirth themselves. If you are considering this option, discussing it with your fertility doctor or consulting a lactation specialist is best. For parents who adopt, breastfeeding is encouraged as it provides essential benefits to the baby. In situations where a newborn is unwell, and the mother has ceased or never initiated breastfeeding, doctors may recommend inducing lactation to supply breast milk, offering additional immune protection for the baby.
Myth
People who participate in surrogacy are strong and know how to deal with failure.
Reality
An intended parent embarking on a surrogacy journey requires tremendous strength. The initial step of meeting a surrogate can be overwhelming – how does one approach someone to assist in fulfilling the dream of parenthood? Yet, most intended parents find the strength to pursue this path because, often, there is no other choice. Surrogacy becomes the sole avenue to turn their long-held dream of parenthood into a reality. It is undeniable that anyone who becomes a parent through surrogacy, egg donation, or sperm donation does so out of a deep-rooted desire to be a parent, and it is this unwavering determination that ultimately grants them the fulfillment of this cherished dream.
Author: Karen Synesiou, Infertility Portal, Inc.
