Mental health professionals in the field have many thoughtful reasons for encouraging intended parents and donors to meet. Those reasons often involve relationship expectations, communication, boundaries, and the long-term well-being of everyone involved. I respect and 100% support those perspectives and believe they are important. However, that is not what this blog is about. This blog is simply my personal reflection on the story we eventually tell our children and why I believe knowing the person behind the profile can be so meaningful.
When intended parents begin searching for an egg donor, they are often presented with hundreds of profiles. Each profile contains photographs, physical characteristics, educational information, medical history, essays, and personal details. The process can feel surprisingly similar to online dating. You review profile after profile looking for someone who feels right.
Yet there is one important difference.
When we meet someone through a dating application, we do not decide to spend our lives with them based solely on a profile. We meet with them. We have conversations. We share stories. We learn what makes them laugh, what they value, and how they see the world. We discover who they are beyond the carefully selected information displayed on a screen.
I have often wondered why we approach donor selection differently.
The person contributing half of your child’s genetic makeup is not simply a collection of physical characteristics, educational accomplishments, or personality traits listed on a profile. She is a person. Some of her personality traits, interests, talents, and characteristics may one day be reflected in the child who becomes part of your life forever. Long after the profile is forgotten, you will still be raising, loving, and learning about that child.
I have always believed that intended parents should meet their donor whenever possible. This belief is not rooted in curiosity or a desire for ongoing contact. It comes from something much simpler. I believe it creates a healthier and more complete story for the child.
One day, a child may ask, “Why did you choose her?” The answer should be more meaningful than, “We liked her profile.” Perhaps the answer is that her kindness reflected the values that were important to your family. Perhaps you admired how close she was to her parents and siblings because family was important to you as well. Perhaps her love of science, music, nature, education, or helping others reflects the traits you see in yourself. Perhaps after spending time together, you simply knew she was the right person to help you build your family.
That creates a very different story.
While on the topic of telling your story, I also think donor conception is often explained in a way that unintentionally creates confusion. Some children may wonder whether they would have eventually become the donor’s child when she was ready to have children. Some imagine that the egg that created them could instead have sat in the donor’s ovaries for years waiting for the right moment. That is not how biology works.
There is a reality about egg donation that many people do not understand. During each menstrual cycle, a woman’s body begins developing multiple eggs. Normally, only one egg reaches ovulation. The others stop developing, are naturally reabsorbed by the body through a process called atresia, and are lost as part of the body’s normal reproductive cycle. In simple terms, that batch of eggs is lost as part of the body’s normal reproductive process. The eggs retrieved during a donation cycle are generally eggs that would otherwise have been lost naturally during that month’s cycle.
Instead, the donor makes a conscious choice to help another family. She offers hope to people whose dream of becoming parents may depend upon that gift.
For me, this distinction matters. I would never want a donor-conceived child to feel that they could somehow have been someone else’s child. The donor did not give away a child. She chose to help create the possibility of one.
I would explain that we wanted a child so deeply that we took the necessary steps to bring that child into the world. We searched for a donor. We met her. We chose her. We worked with doctors and embryologists. We hoped, worried, waited, and dreamed about the day we would finally meet our child. Every decision we made was guided by one goal: bringing you into our family. You became our child not by accident, but through intention.
We made choices. The donor made choices. Together, those choices made your life possible. You were always destined to be ours.
Those are stories worth sharing.
As donor conception continues to evolve, I believe we should focus less on creating mystery and more on creating understanding. Children benefit from honest conversations and complete stories. They benefit from knowing that the people involved in their creation reflected many of the same values and qualities that their parents hoped to pass on to them.
A donor profile may begin the process, but it should not be the entire process. Learn who she is beyond photographs and written answers. Meet her if possible. Have a conversation. Listen to her story. Understand her motivations.
Years later, when your child begins asking questions, you will have something far more meaningful to share than a profile and a picture. You will be able to tell them that you met her, that you knew her, and that you chose her because of the person she was. You saw qualities in her that felt familiar, values that were a mirror of your values, and characteristics that you hoped would become part of your child’s story.
To me, that is a much better beginning to a child’s story.
